Mediation - A Healing Process

Jose A. Ramirez

When we find ourselves in the middle of a conflict we tend to use the same tools we have used most of our lives. Many people avoid conflict and pretend conflict does not exist and others tend to accommodate people in their lives allowing the other parties to do whatever they want, even when others’ actions adversely affect them. There are other conflict styles but for the purpose of this piece I’m only focusing on these two. I believe that eventually the resentment will become so burdensome, in both of these cases, that the conflict will escalate. Human reaction is so very unpredictable that escalation can take many forms including stopping all communication. Because the main ingredient in conflict resolution is communication, when it does not exist, the conflict may never be resolved and even if the conflict is never talked about, it will lie under the surface.

People often rely on time to “heal the relationship” but in the best case scenario the relationship may be rekindled but the conflict will not be solved. What happens to individuals, families, partners and businesses as they wait for time to heal the relationships?

Mediators can assist in resolving your conflict and preserve or recast your relationships when it becomes more than you want to or can handle. Mediators help people during any point of their conflict; preventing the escalation of conflict or guiding people to settle some of their toughest conflicts.

Please let TucsonMediates professionals know how we can help.

Jose A. Ramirez (4) 4/26/10. See more about Jose A.Ramirez and TucsonMediates at http://www.tucsonmediates.com/

Choosing a Mediator

Mary G. Marcus, Ph.D.

    If you’re President of the United States and you’re looking for a mediator for a diplomatic crisis in some foreign hot spot, you have George Mitchell, Dennis Ross, and Richard Holbrooke on your speed dial. They’re all high profile diplomats who have mediated many international disputes.

    But, if you’re the president of a homeowner’s association or the vice-president of human resources for a company or a couple seeking a divorce, or a family struggling with conflict about where would be the best place for grandma to live, how do you find a good mediator?

    Clients are often embarrassed to say they found their mediator in the yellow pages or on-line, but that’s the way most people find a mediator. A few clients call a mediator because they’ve been referred by a friend, an attorney, or a mental health professional. If you haven’t been referred by someone you trust, how do you select a mediator?

    Some states, like Florida, certify mediators but many states, like Arizona, do not. If a mediator has been certified, that means the mediator has met some criteria for training and experience and ethical practice. If a state doesn’t certify mediators, check if the mediator is a practitioner member of an organization that requires training, experience, and adherence to standards of practice for its members. A nation-wide organization for mediators, the Association for Conflict Resolution is a good resource for finding qualified mediators. A state-wide organization of mediators is also a good bet for locating a skilled mediator who adheres to accepted standards of practice.

    Now that you have some names of mediators, it’s time to ask them some questions before you hire them. First, what training in mediation do they have? It’s essential that a mediator have some training in mediation, which at a minimum should be 40 hours of basic training and several hours of annual continuing education in mediation. Next, what kind of experience do they have in mediation? As in every line of work, experience makes one a more skillful mediator. Does the mediator spell out his/her responsibilities in the mediation and yours in a written “Agreement to Mediate” and does he/she use a written fee agreement to spell out your costs? Finally, is the mediator committed to protecting clients’ interests by carrying liability insurance?

    Asking these few simple questions will help you find a qualified mediator who can help you resolve your conflict.
    Mary G. Marcus, Ph.D (3) 4/6/10. See more about Mary G. Marcus, Ph.D. at
http://www.tucsonmediates.com/

Think Alike Syndrome

Catherine Tornbom

One of the challenges in communicating effectively in a conflict is the “Think  Alike Syndrome.” If you and I are in a conflict about an issue that is really important to the both of us. I will assume that you think just like me.

Wait a minute. This does not make any sense. If I were to ask you this question, “Do you think everyone thinks like you?” You would give me one of those looks and say, “what a stupid question, of course we don’t all think alike!” We have amassed overwhelming evidence through our life experience that demonstrates beyond any doubt we do not all think and feel the same about any given issue or topic.

But when faced with a conflict, emotions of anger or fear are invoked and this causes us to narrow our focus. We take the facts of the situation and create all the reasons why our position is correct. And because we have spent so much time thinking this through our approach is clearly the best one. Anyone as intelligent and rational as we are will totally understand and respond as we ask them to.

This almost never happens. While you are forming all your thoughts, the other person is doing the same. If the conflict includes a family trying to make a significant decision about Mom’s care, there are as many thoughtful and rational approaches as there are family members.

This is the value of mediation – it provides a safe place for every person in the conflict to fully express their thoughts. Since each perspective is different, an expanded perspective begins to emerge. When the expanded perspective is combined with the facts of the situation, mutually beneficial solutions can be developed.

Challenge yourself – where do you find yourself in the Think Alike Syndrome? Take a moment and ask yourself, “I wonder what their perspective is?” Remembering that others think differently and that their viewpoints are as well-reasoned as yours can really help in a conflict situation.  Catherine Tornbom (2)  3/28/10.  See more about Catherine at www.TucsonMediates.com

Mediator Qualifications

Wally Marcus

There has been an issue for years concerning whether a mediator must be an attorney. I have always believed that it is an issue of competency not profession. I took one family law course in law school and I don’t remember any family law questions on the bar exam. An attorney fresh out of law school probably knows less family law than a non attorney who has been mediating for years and has taken many continuing education programs. The issue was recently addressed by the Florida Supreme Court. The court removed any requirement that a mediator certified by the Florida Court must be an attorney. Gregory Firestone recently discussed the decision in an article in Spring 2008 issue of ACResolution. He stated, "with the momentous decision, the Florida Supreme Court has enhanced party self-determination in the selection of mediators and provided an important precedent for credentialing mediators throughout the world." See more at

http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/adr/The%20Resolution%20Report/April%202008/rr_SC05998%20_article_Apr08.shtm

As always, you can post a comment about this blog or Mediation. See more at our web site at www.TucsonMediates.com Wally Marcus 3/12/10